S/ORP] Tune in to Xtreme Scream with Shrill X! [Off air!]

[Ruriska]

"You've tuned into 101.5 Annihilation Radio, your home for dubstep, electric house and music to dance the night away to. Coming up on the midnight run is Xtreme Scream with your host, Shrill X, where the X is never silent."

"Hey, hey, hey! This is Shrill X here! If you're doing things right you've just woken up and are ready to party until dawn. I've got some seriously good new beats to share and then we'll tackle some calls. I know you've got some things to say and I'm ready for it! Now buckle your seatbelts and hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

This program is bought to you by Sofa So Good, your one stop shop for all your sofa needs.

"Fucking ads."

[This is a semi ORP where Shrill X will spew random shit on her radio program and you're occasionally open to call in.]

[Ruriska]

Previously...

There's a song playing with a quick, loud beat and what sounds like a blender in the background. If you like this sort of thing you know it's called 'Morning Rush'. If you don't, you've already switched off the radio.

"It's time for everyone's favourite part of the night and it's called, 'That Pisses Me Off!'. That's right, I want you to vent your frustrations to the air. Whether it's about that bitchy customer who didn't tip you or that stupid waitress who forgot your drink, I wanna know about it- and it looks like we've already got a caller!

So, what pisses you off?"

"T-that this is the only way I can talk to my daughter. Stop avoiding me and come for dinner to-"

"Aaaand looks like we lost that call. Too bad. Here's another one! Fire away!

[That's your cue! Shrill X is now taking calls.]

"Hey girlfriend it's TART- and what pisses me off is when a guy doesn't like quote-unquote 'forward' girls. Chicks can and should make the first move all they want!"

"Yo TART, you're a girl after my own heart. They can stick their shy and demure up their asses because if I want a piece of something I'm gonna go for it. So just give them the heave ho! There are plenty of fellas out there who like a gal who's straightforward. No point in beating round the bush, right? That's no fun for anyone.

Thanks for calling!  Drinks sometime, yeah? Anyway, onto the next call!"

"Yo Shrill, you know what pizzez me off? Thoze ladiez who read 50 Shadez and are all hot to trot over zat ztuff but az zoon as you bring out ze rope and cuffz zey run off with zeir tail between zeir legz!"

"Dude, my dad writes storybooks for preschoolers that are better written than that tripe. They're just living in a fantasy world and want to think they know what kinky is.

Hold on the line, I've got a contact for a couple of ladies who are totally into BDSM and aren't going to flinch when you bring out the whip. Well, not unless you want them to.

I've got time for one more call tonight. Give me something good to finish us off."

"Shrill X, this is the amazing Latin Mac-daddy Macarena.  What pisses me off are hombres who get all mad when I dance with their girl and she has a bueno time.  If you bring your girl to the club you better be able to shake that thing with her or this stallion gonna show her the good time she came to have!"

Sweet Surrender sat at home.  His hoof hovered over the receiver.  He had almost worked up the nerve to call in... and then he heard the DJ was only taking one more call, and someone beat him to it.  Oh well.  He shrugged, relieved.

"I'm forever alone...."

"Thanks for the call Mac-attack! Jealousy is booooring. If my date was a drag, I'd dance with you all night long.

And now let's cut to some music because I'm feeling the need to groove!"

[Thanks for calling in! Please let there be a running gag where Sweet Surrender constantly tries and fails to call in.]

You catch the very end of a song, the electric beat slowly fading away.

"How did you all like that? That's my new song called 'Family Ties' with voice samples from various members of my clan.

Oh hey, hey, hey! Before I forget, I achieved a personal best and polished off ten burgers today. You've never seen such a fabulous case of wanton, delicious binging! Also got called 'the coolest mare' but I get that pretty much every day, so no biggie. That's just Shrill, inspiring kids everywhere while covered in sauce!

Call in and tell me about your best eating experience! The line is open!"

[That's your cue! Shrill X is now taking calls.]

Again, Sweet Surrender stared at the telephone.  The DJ had asked for calls, but no one had called in yet.  This was his chance.  He could talk about how he got his cutie mark while eating cupcakes and crying.  Mares loved a sensitive guy.

He would pick up and call.

Any moment now.

It could happen.

Oh wait, didn't he need milk from the store?

Yeah, he better go get that milk.  That's a terrible thing to run out of.

Sweet Surrender just didn't have time to call in tonight.  Shucks.

Whatever possessed the unicorn stallion to call in, he wasn't sure. Perhaps it was his frustrated at hearing Shrill's voice blaring at him - regardless of what it was saying - and being unable to usher a retort. Thus, he picked up a phone and  impatiently dialed the number of the radio station. While he was waiting for someone to pick up, it only then struck him that he would probably be audible to all of Phonyland. He couldn't just be himself and say whatever he wanted on live radio! What was he supposed to do now?!

Too late to hang up. His call had been patched through and he hated doing things halfheartedly. Besides, the last thing he wanted to do was seem like some coward backing off or some punk phony wanting to mess around with a prank call. A prank call? That gave him an idea...

Clearing his throat, the Old Enough phony pinched his nose in his best effort to change his voice. He went for a higher-pitched, awkward-sounding shy stallion rather than his usual brisk, deep-voiced, grumpy self.

"Hi, there. I heard you asking about eating experiences and I...well, there's this one bakery I always go to. The mare there is as sweet as her food." ...Wait, what the hell was he doing, again? Hadn't he meant to scold or yell at Shrill somehow or something? Why did that have to come to mind?

Oh well...too late to change stories now. "I once stayed there eating myself sick just to watch her at work. E-er, just to see if I could find out the secret to her pastries," he added hastily. He prayed to high heaven that said baker wasn't listening to Shrill's station at that moment. He must have sounded like some creepy stalker.

There is a brief silence followed by a bark of incredulous laughter.

"Truths, is that you? Why are you talking like that? Wait a second, you're stalking some baker girl? That is really messed up. We need to have a chat about your relationship skills. But don't worry, I've got your back. I'm the perfect wingphony. After I'm done you'll know aaaalll about her secret pastries."

Truth's unseen face became horrified at Shrill's immediate recognition of his attempt at a disguised voice. He was too flustered to deny her accusation. Besides, how could he have done so without lying?

Dropping his facade, he began to do what he had originally intended to do and gave the mare on the radio a piece of his mind. "Now look here, you - ! I-I'm not stalking her!" he yelled a bit more loudly than was necessary. "That bakery is open to anyone and everyone! It's not as if I followed her home or anything!"

A pause. "...You know how to bake?" He couldn't picture Shrill doing anything around an oven - at least not without misusing it or hurting herself somehow. The thought that she might know the secret to Sweet Bread's delicious food had him flabbergasted.

"It sure sounds like you are! And I bet you do. I bet you stand outside her window at night, brushing the glass with your creepy beard and watching her sleep."

Her voice is high-pitched and teasing and she's clearly enjoying the conversation.

"Wait, what? Bake? I stuck a potato in the oven once but that's as far as it goes. Sorry to disappoint you.

....

You are so weird."

"Stop making up such ridiculous fabrications! If you don't know how to bake, how could you know Sweet Bread's secret? And why does everyone have a problem with my beard?!"

Growling in exasperation, Truths tried to remember the reason for the call. Eating experience, right? "Once I went to the theme park with some fellow foals and we got popcorn. It's been my favorite food since. It's easy to make and it's not sweet. The end!"

And with that, he hung up before he could make any more of a fool out of himself.

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin)- take two shots for that fine sentence!" You hear two gulps and the clink of a glass. "-on the gothic red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1"

There's a long silence in which you can almost feel Shrill's disgust through the radio.

"Well that's the end of Chapter 21 of My Immortal. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea but we are going to finish this shit, even if it kills me. If you're playing along with the drinking game, you're probably dead and I admire your courage.

The next chapter looks like a doozy, so watch out. This is Shrill X signing off for the night. Remember, kids, don't drink and drive and make sure to rewrite your will for tomorrow stating that I get all your worldly belongings."